


Something Cinematic

by LadiesHazard



Category: Romance - Fandom, hopeless romance - Fandom, hopeless romantic - Fandom
Genre: F/M, Multi, Nonfiction, Other, Romance, Soulmates, mind
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-09
Updated: 2021-03-09
Packaged: 2021-03-15 12:22:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 5
Words: 3,682
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29933358
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LadiesHazard/pseuds/LadiesHazard
Summary: When you think of romance its usually a girl falls in love with girl, guy with guy, lover and lover, girl and guy thing that revolves around them having a sweet story and romance but what if it wasn’t like that? What if it were just the emotions of love, the philosophies and the strange occurrences that you cant connect? Do soulmates really exist? Does love? Jump into this mind maze to see as I spiral with my thoughts, feelings and things that happened to me.





	1. Introduction

**Author's Note:**

> Literary, poetic, calm

Something Cinematic

Vol.1

A story by anonymous

  
  
  
  


There may be triggering words and topics such as, voices, etc.

This story follows me and my weird experiences with stuff.

I wanted to say I had no control over my emotions and my feelings and instincts. I am not sexualizing or trying to point at this character in a crude way. All characters will be kept anonymous 

This is supposed to be read as a monologue so you can read it in a relaxed tone, mine has a slight rasp if you want to read it off my voice. it's a neutral tone, calm when reading. Like one of those narrators in an indie Tv show or something- or like Syd from I am not okay with this (why did you have to cancel it netflix??)

  
  


For whoever needs this I guess

  
  
  
  
  


I/N -insert name, usually referring to myself.

T/N -their name

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	2. Romance?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I talk about my opinion and views on romance

#  RoMaNCe?

  
  
  


Often I imagine myself in strange situations that make me feel free. It makes me feel as if I were the center of the universe or the lead in an exciting movie. Although these situations may not happen in my lifetime, they will always remain a treasured memory in my mind. Of the brave defeat of evildoers, or a romantic embrace with someone who I will never know… I feel a longing for attention, a craving for purpose, I want to have something to make me feel alive. Something...Cinematic. 

My attention peaked when my teacher chirped, “Bye guys! I’ll see you tomorrow!”, to my class. As one person at a time leaves the call, and a couple saying goodbye, I leave the call in silence still thinking about my inner monologue earlier. I zone out still thinking of it until I take a deep breath and stretch before joining my math call. 

“When you plot the graph you need to make sure your input and output…” The voice of my teacher faded and I grew back into my deep thoughts. I didn’t care about the class or my grades, the only thing that mattered to me was my happiness. I didn’t want to be alone, I never want to be alone...well...not completely. I love isolation, socialization isn’t my thing-except if it's online, I feel less pressured to talk or to look presentable and all I have to care about is if I’m a good person and if I’m being kind and respectful to someone and if I am being myself. Even on stream, I may be there for an audience but I can be more myself rather than in real life, it’s strange. I also think about love, if it’s real, if I deserve it and if I will ever have it in my lifetime. I believe that we have souls and soulmates exist but we also have twin flames, and unlike soulmates, you can only have one. But not everyone has a twin flame, so I wonder...Do I have o-“(I/N)? Are you there? Can you answer the question for us?” I got startled by the question and quickly solved the equation “y=12x+5” I stuttered to say it because my heart was pounding from how out of the blue it was. “Yup! Thank you I/N!” My teacher exclaims. I wasn’t ready for that question at all… 

My classes fly by and I either go on TikTok or listen to music the whole entirety of the day. I take a break from school and lay on my bed listening to music to think more. My mind is a palace and my ideas, philosophical views and beliefs are all in a big gorgeous library within. With tropical plants and 5 flights of stairs going up towards five floors with shelves filled with books of my thoughts. One book is taken out, the same one I was writing in earlier, and I open it and with my quill and ink, I scribble my thoughts. 

“Women are beautiful…” it writes, “most are brave and tough as Artemis, and intelligent as the Goddess of wisdom, and breathtaking as the goddess of beauty. They shine like dew on a cool leaf after a misty rain, that feeds the plants and allows them to grow lush and gorgeous, and helps the environment thrive.” I poetically recite in my brain, but suddenly I think to myself, “Men are also gorgeous, depending on their personality mostly… they have corrupted the earth and damaged women and hurt those of minority, men are gorgeous as a plastic doll, but poisonous as one too.” My train of thought suddenly turns, I ignore what I just said and ask myself, “will I ever be loved?” That answer may be true, I may be loved by a friend or family member, but will I be loved as the birds love the sky? As a rose loves the earth? As an artist loves beauty? Or As two flames merging? Causing a hot and fiery flame when fused? A passionate and heartfelt love that is a stronger bond than anything in this world? Maybe. But the real question is, with who? 

I ignored my work, and lived in my mind. I felt hurt when even thinking of others, feeling harsh emotion that they would have to deal with in negative situations. It hurts me, not only mentally but I could feel the depressed and heavy feeling in my heart. Sometimes I would even wonder, “have they ever thought of love, or the idea of love?” It always sparked my interest if they have thought the same as I. If I were not alone with these thoughts. Sometimes I even think, “could they be the one?” But I know the truth that they couldn’t be, the possibility would be way too slim. 

Some people say “But you’re too young!” “You don't understand!” “You don’t know what love is!” But in reality, you can never be too young to feel love or express love, I do understand love, it's such a strong emotion and so luring… and love is not just an emotion, but a deep feeling in your heart and your soul that takes over your mind and body making you feel light, happy and warm. It’s love, and I wish I had it. I wish I could feel a passionate love, that is not just platonic. Like someone to hold me tight as I cry, or someone to talk to about anything, or someone who even makes grocery shopping or laundry fun. But I just lay here. I just lay here, cold and alone. I'm ready for love, but are they? Whoever the one is, I hope you feel this too.

I know it's silly… how could I? A person who rejects, a person who may be young, a person with issues, with a hate for themselves be ready for love? The truth is, I don't know. Why am I such a hopeless romantic? I chuckled a bit. Because, do people like this even exist? People with a heart like this? Who believes in this stuff as I do? Because if there is, where are you?

I have lived my life going through with people who would date someone by simply a picture of their face or a “hey ur cute, wanna be mine?” and honestly I sometimes said yes because I was hoping for something, like a warm feeling to exchange, but all I got was them spewing their problems and me trying to help. It got tiresome eventually. When I thought I finally met someone they turned out to be the same, I tried and tried but felt nothing. It hurt me to cut it off but it was for the best. I'm going to read this one day and feel an urge of regret or humiliation. But right now I know what i'm feeling is true. And I'm staying with it. 

I slept well, with no memory of my dream but a simple staircase. I really didn’t want to get up in the morning, it was cold and comfortable- I didn’t want to leave. It was like I was being hugged and sunk in a foamy embrace. But, we can’t do that. We have school. As much as I want to continue my longing I have to have it interrupted by school work and education. I know that it's a big thing, and I’m grateful but- it makes me feel numb now. Honestly I just want to feel something with a larger meaning. 

I didn’t want to pay attention, it was boring and I hate that. I know I don’t have anything better to do but think or sleep but that is only a one sided picture with no explanation. I love peace and silence, and music. I don’t like big loud places and prefer to be cozy rather than in a crowd. That’s also a reason why I love sweaters. It makes me warm and cozy. Honestly I don’t think highschool is gonna be as comforting as a sweater. I have to meet new people and show myself and be visible towards people. Haha, maybe I could just be hidden in the background unnoticed because that is the best bet I have for survival. “So for the people who are involved-“ My teacher continued to spout information on our unit. Not my thing, it’s definitely important, but interesting? No. Definitely not. I just wish we could do something more fun, and less ick. 

Before I knew it, class was done and I practically spedran the school day without a second thought. I was glad school was over. 


	3. Memories?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I talk about memories and coincidences and life

# MeMorIes?

After school ended I just scrolled on my TikTok, as usual, to pass time because- life, to hell with it- As I was scrolling I found a TikTok. It was of this dude dancing and it only had around a hundred likes. Strangely I felt like I knew him. He looked familiar and I didn’t know why it was like I knew who he was but at the same time, he was a stranger. I liked it because I thought it was nice and he was trying his best and continued scrolling. He had been stuck in my head since though. A familiar pull like I knew him, even though I have no idea who it is. I thought “maybe he reminds me of my classmate?” I tried to believe it but I couldn’t. He was too familiar and no one I knew matched a resemblance nor lived in America. I was confused- bewildered even- It was like I got a warm shock like an instinct through my body. It was weird. I never experienced something like that before. 

I couldn’t shake him off my mind. Who was he? I know the tug of familiarity was strong but I never felt it this strong. “What the hell is wrong with you?” I contemplated in my mind what was up with my mind and why I felt like I have met him, I have known him like we were close together or like a reflection in the mirror. He was a ghost in my mind. Haunting my thoughts as I try to ignore it, all I do is think about it more, “He’s a random dude, you literally couldn’t have known him. There is no change whatsoever. He’s a random dude. Forget it.” I told myself on the daily. Later he started growing fast and it caught my attention more. The familiar dude is now getting famous? How interesting. The thing is, I believe in soulmates and twin flames. For soulmates, you never see them coming, but they teach you life lessons you will never forget and share an unthinkable bond with you. For twin flames...it’s more complicated. You only have one twin flame and sometimes may not even have one. Your past soul must have been strong enough to separate in two, separating into another body. Together you are a whole and live off each other's energy. It’s deeper and more meaningful with a more passionate response. You’re supposed to have some instinct to allow you to recognize them, and the universe is supposed to help you find each other. You’re supposed to feel like you have known them and they are familiar. But no way in hell he could be mine. The chances are super low. A famous flame? I have better luck at the lottery.

It was hard to shake him off now that he has entered my fandom. It was weird. I didn’t like this feeling at all, and I didn’t want to be surrounded by them while watching. It took me a while, but I got used to it eventually. As he developed his character I realized it had traits that I have. Irrational and pushy voices, memory loss, confusion, trust issues with people, an enclosed feeling with people, but also friendly. At this point it got creepy… Then he developed a friendship much like me and my other friend. I was weirded out and didn’t know how I felt about this. Haha… maybe it’s fine.

He grew… and he grew… I still felt the feeling of familiarity but I suppressed the emotion of uneasiness with similarities. I grew to like his content and relate in ways. He made me laugh- he made me want to cry. Most people would cry due to his content but it just made me feel even more familiar with it because I related in ways. The only reason I have cried due to him- is when I cried for him. He has gone through the positives, the negatives, he has been harassed, hated, sexualized, it hurt. It hurt me badly. I contained a lot of emotion on his issues and not to mention other peoples and mine who I harboured in my heart. I cried- and cried- no one deserves that. Well, you may be laughing in your mind saying “She’s a pick me, girl.” But no- I just feel the emotion on a deeper level most people don’t understand when I tell them. I share emotions, I feel them deeper. Emotions are my superpower. 

I still didn’t know the guy. He’s just a rando. How could he have impacted my life that much? 

My memory started to fade more, it wasn’t this bad before but now it's hard to remember my childhood and information. I remember things differently and It makes me feel sad in an impactful way. I'm not saying that it’s his fault- I'm just saying that there’s something strange happening, and I don’t know what it is.

I continued my life as normal. With school, friends, streaming. It's just that my mental health has sloped downwards very quickly. I feel emotionally distressed and remember emotion and feelings but not why or what it is. I knew in my heart I was missing something and nobody would believe me if I said that I need a person to heal me. Not in a professional sense, but a deeper emotional touch. It’s weird- I never thought of myself as the one who needs to be saved one day, but I am. I don’t want to be, but there's a great chance of it helping me. I tried to save myself. I restricted things, I scolded myself. It was all just harmful though. 

I don’t think that I would find the one at the moment which is sad because I could need it right now. I don’t need someone to tell me my emotions, they wouldn’t know how deep my emotion is or how I feel. I believe in my heart and it’s telling me I need someone. Someone I can connect with in a deeper sense, someone who I can connect with in a deeper sense I guess. I don’t believe in that “Hey lol” stuff- it's all plastic. I’d rather someone just text me saying “hey, are you okay? I can listen if you want, we can talk about something else too, your interests and your life. I'm a shoulder you can cry on although I am a stranger. You can let it out.” Then we could talk about Minecraft, or how some people can be rude and think it makes them badass looking, or maybe talk about our thoughts on cute animals, plants, careers, our dream home, maybe even movies or something. All everyone wants to talk about now are just sex. I hate that so much. There’s more to a person than their body or how they talk or even their voice. They have a soul, a meaning and opinions. It’s unfair to silence them if they can not silence you. 

It would be nice to have someone to be able to listen to sad music with or even soft love songs. If I had someone I would hug them when they need it, I would play with their hair, even dance with them with energy or even softly waltz. I’d watch action movies, rom-coms and just plainly fall for the idea of having this type of love. I dreamy escape to cloud nine for only us. But I know I don’t have that, and I probably won’t in years. I just hope I have it someday, eventually.

Picking up a new hobby can be weird. It’s like you try to do something new that could be your thing but then you're not really good at it, or you like never to do it. I picked up writing. It was easier than drawing and I find it more alluring. When you started reading this story you probably were expecting some kind of soppy romantic scheme like “ _As she tied her kinky black hair into a bun to keep it away from her face, she saw in the corner of her eye a gorgeous woman with short fluffy hair. Her aura attracts her and she falls in love immediately.”_ I chuckled a bit there. We don’t do that here, not my thing. I write first person, related to the monologues that happen in my head, like a lifetime narration. I used to pursue art actually. Loved it, now it feels different. Not in a bad way, but it's numbing. I can’t express as much and it bothers me. 

I know right now you are eating up my loneliness and misery, but I really do wish I had someone here. Not just anyone though. I just wish, you know?

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	4. Anger?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I’m just annoyed here

ANgEr?

Okay,  maybe it’s not fully anger but I hate this so much. Life right now is a big mess and all I want is to get rest and relax. I’m so tired. I don’t even watch much of Ranboo’s streams anymore because of two reasons. Too many coincidences and so late. 

I’m in love with the idea of love but it also causes me fear and distraught. The fear of loss and abandonment is also strong, it makes me question, “although I love, love… would the idea of love, love me back? “ it’s a confusing question that grinds my gears but I can’t seem to find the answers to it. It’s fine. 

The issue has unravelled too much and is starting to freak me out, with multiple coincidences and such. I know its unlikely we’re connected in a way, he doesn’t even know me, but life gives us little snippets and hints on the future, but we don’t recognize until it's already happened. I can not recall all of them but it is a pretty large number of hints. 

As I am writing this I fall into a deeper abyss of my thoughts, philosophical views and beliefs and at this point I don’t even know anymore. 

Why

Why does everything have to be so complicated?

I just happiness, why must it come with confusion as a package?

I’m buried under thoughts that I can't even see the truth anymore, but in the first place, was it even the truth? Hahah I’m going insane- this is madness. What is with me? My thoughts go from a poetically constructed monologue, to a mess of twists and turns, with different thoughts and pure chaos. I need to clear this mess, it’s affecting this too much…


	5. Art of madness

ThE aRt Of MadNeSs

What is the art of madness? It’s the art of the mind spiraling, finding truths and cracks within reality, with ideas and thoughts, with a new perspective of reality itself. I can find myself in this position including while writing this small book. Me, or as you would know me as a character, is the mind of the writer. Speaking your thoughts can only release so much emotion, convey so much angst, love, or passion, but a piece of writing can convey it all. It can release everything with an ease you can’t do when speaking. It’s a free form art. You can unleash insanity, or harmony. There’s so much you can do. 

If you just see me as a character how do you see me? A hopeless? An embarrassment? Weird? Sad? To different people I am a different thing, but there is one thing they all see that they have in common. I am a person with an expression. Do you think I want to be seen as cringy? Or weird? All I do is expose my inner thoughts and emotion although it may be messy or unraveled. I started this trying to convey myself as only a character in a story but eventually you have become part of the story reader, slowly creeping into my head, absorbing my thoughts, emotions and views. Welcome to the museum of madness, to some it makes sense, too there's, it's harder to see, to feel and to express. You are lucky if you can feel. I’m sorry if you can’t. I went from I/N to the mind. I travelled from physical to mental, isn’t that twisty?

I think I’m spiralling to madness at times, I can’t tell what’s real and whats fake at times. I just kind of need some stabilizer at this point.

**Author's Note:**

> ?


End file.
